


Tomorrow, We Could Be Stardust

by orphan_account



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Battle, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, Post Season 7, Suicidal Thoughts, i'm not sure how to tag this lmao, the MFE's find the fate of their family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-02 06:21:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15790758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Post the Galra invasion, the MFE's are slowly learning the fate of their families and know they have one more mission to potentially find and save them all.James Griffin hopes his family is one of them.





	Tomorrow, We Could Be Stardust

**Author's Note:**

> I've been thinking a lot on James' family and I wanted to write a fic based on their fate. This is angsty, forewarning.
> 
> There are probably mistakes galore but it's like 2:30 in the morning so forgive me

“Hey… Are you okay?”

Rizavi looks up at him and offers a smile but he can see it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Yeah, I’m okay… Did you hear, Kinkade’s family is here. He finally managed to contact them. They’re all safe.” 

James sits down beside her and nods. He  _ had _ heard and seeing Ryan smile widely had made him happy, too. “Yeah, he told me last night. Any news on your family?” 

Rizavi shakes her head sadly and James finally understands her poor mood. “They’re out there,” James whispers. “And they’ll be found.” 

“I hope so,” Rizavi whispers, in turn, wiping her cheeks quickly to hide her tears. 

James opens his arm, offering a hug which she immediately leans into. All of this talk of family leaves a cold spot in his chest but as the MFE’s leader, James knows he has to stay strong for his team. 

“What about your family? You’ve never mentioned them,” Rizavi says, drawing him out of his thoughts. 

James stares into space as he recalls the way his mom’s hair curls and how soft her hugs are. The way his dad clapped his shoulder the day he was accepted into the Garrison. The proud smiles. Tears dance like stars in James’ eyes. 

“James?” 

“They’re out there,” he says firmly. “Haven’t found them yet but I know they’re out there.” 

Rizavi nods confidently. “We’ll see them soon.” 

James offers her a smile. “That’s the spirit.” 

AS the MFE’s leader, James knows they look to him for strength and confidence. No matter the circumstance, James keeps his back and morals strong. 

“ _ MFE’s _ ,” comes Iverson's voice over the PA. “ _ Please, meet Captain Takeshi Shirogane and the Paladins in Hangar One. _ ” 

“Ugh.” Rizavi wipes her face again and stands up, holding her hand out for James to take. “ _ Now _ what?” 

James accepts her help and they start for the hangar. “Don’t know… Maybe they have a mission for us.” 

“Hope it’s dangerous.” 

_ “Rizavi _ .” 

“What? I get bored.” 

James rolls his eyes as they enter the hangar. Keith and the other paladins are already standing in the hangar by the lions. Captain Shirogane is talking to Keith, unsurprisingly, and James notes Keith is wearing the black paladin’s armor as they approach. 

James stands before Captain Shirogane and offers a salute. Shiro falters in his conversation with Keith momentarily before returning the salute.

“At ease, Cadet,” Shiro says and James feels the depths of Shiro’s voice lap down his spine. He recalls sweaty sheets and the way Shiro likes to be called,  _ Sir _ . The hickey hidden on his pelvis throbs under Shiro’s and Keith’s gazes. Keith is smirking and, too late, James realizes he’s blushing.

“What’s this about, Sir?” Rizavi asks, blissfully unaware but Keith remains smug. 

“Let’s wait for the others,” Shiro replies and they go to stand off to the side. 

James can feel Keith undressing him with his eyes, which is as thrilling as it is embarrassing. He keeps his eyes straight ahead, standing at attention, and ready to jump into action like a good soldier. Orders and rules keep James grounded even if he knows his penchant for rule-following makes him come off as a jerk.

Kinkade, Veronica, and Leif show up moments later, all falling in line to salute Shiro. James and Rizavi join the MFE’s to await orders. He can feel their curiosity buzzing the air. 

“Cadets, Paladins,” Shiro greets. “I’ve asked you all here because there have been sightings and rumors of a faction of remaining Galra that have taken human prisoners. THey’ve moved themselves to a remote section of Northwestern Canada.” 

“Could our families be there?” Rizavi asks immediately. 

“It’s possible,” Allura admits. “They have a large grouping but we can’t be sure.”

“How many?” James asks, always pragmatic and wanting all the information before jumping into the fire. 

“Potentially almost one thousand,” Shiro replies and they all stare in surprise. “We don't have an exact figure but they’re being used as manual labor from what we do know.” 

“Building another weapon, potentially,” Pidge cuts in. “Probably for Haggar.” 

James is not sure who Haggar is but from the look on Keith’s and Shiro’s faces, he doesn’t want to know either. 

“We don’t know any of this for sure,” Keith says, voice sharp. “All we know is, we’ll need backup. Are you all in?” 

James nods and salutes. “Sir, yes, Sir.” 

Keith doesn’t blush but James notices color beneath Shiro’s collar. Already, he can picture Veronica wanting an explanation. They’ve managed to keep their relationship under wraps thus far since Shiro’s new promotion. Sleeping with a cadet being an inappropriate imbalance of power and all. Not that James is complaining – Shiro and Keith holding power over him is 75% of the thrill.

“G–Good,” Shiro stammers. “Pidge will detail the plan.” 

“Well, it’s not really a  _ plan _ because we don’t have a lot of intel but the lions will scout the area with the MFE’s. Atlas is back up, hiding up in cloud cover. According to my information, it’s pretty foggy and cold up there, so we'll have plenty of cover with the weather conditions.  _ No one _ attacks until a ground crew goes in.” 

“Who’s ground crew?” James asks. 

“We’ll leave the lions a few miles out and trek on foot,” Pidge continues. “Keith, myself, and James will go in on foot into the camp to see if we can take out the Galra from within before they rouse any help. Lance and Kinkade will provide long-distance backup. Veronica is with Atlas and Leif and Rizavi will keep to the air in case we need to hit hard from above. Allura and Hunk will start a perimeter check and leading prisoners to the lions. We can do this.” 

James nods. “Affirmative. MFE’s, roll out.” 

No one argues and James turns to go but a hand on his elbow makes him turn around. Keith gives him a small nod. 

“Be safe,” Keith says. 

James returns the nod and he longs to kiss Keith’s soft lips and trace the scar on Keith's cheek beneath his fingertips. He steps closer into Keith’s magnetic orbit. “You, too,” he whispers, lips dangerously close to Keith’s. 

_ One kiss _ , James thinks.  _ Just one _ . 

Keith’s eyes flutter halfway shut like he's considering the implications. “James…”

“Veronica basically knows anyway which means everyone else will know soon, too,” James argues with a smirk. “Come on, Kogane, tomorrow we could be stardust. Just kiss me.” 

Keith rolls his eyes but allows the gap to close and James immediately melts into the affection. The kiss is chaste but lasts long enough for someone to whistle their appreciation. A blush heats James’ cheeks and Keith’s ends the kiss first. 

“Be safe,” Keith says again. 

James nods. “I will if you will.” 

“No promises.” Keith winks and gathers his hair up before placing the black paladin helmet over his head. 

James returns to his crew to change and board his plane. As soon as the helmet is on, Rizavi is quick to jump on the comms. 

“Were you kissing  _ Keith _ ? Oh my God, does Shiro know?”

Panic fills him as he checks to be sure they’re on the MFE’s channel and Atlas is not tuned in. He only relaxes when he sees they’re not. “It’s  _ not _ your business.” 

“Oh my God, please tell me he knows because I don’t want to go to your funeral this weekend,” Rizavi continues much to James’ chagrin. “Because his arm could  _ crush _ your skull.” 

“He knows,” he replies reluctantly. 

“He  _ knows _ ?!” 

“That’s all I’m saying. Now,  _ focus _ . We have a long flight ahead of us. Fall into formation!” James orders over the comms and is tempted to shut them off but he knows if someone on his team needs him, he needs to be able to hear them or if Atlas contacts him or Voltron. 

James sighs. 

A long flight indeed. 

 

* * *

  
  
  


“Look alive, kiddos,” James says as they approach the forest containing the coordinates of their target. “It’s almost showtime.” 

James lowers his jet into lower altitude, using the fog to keep cover as they cruise above the trees. Atlas is up above their heads while the lions are already heading for their rendezvous point. James jumps when the black lion rushes past him, doing a little spin as it does. He rolls his eyes and turns on Keith’s channel. 

“Show off,” he says but he’s smiling. 

“You like it,” Keith replies and then the black lion is disappearing quickly into the fog. 

He does like it and he hates that he likes it  _ so _ much

Keith drives him wild in the best ways possible. 

“Okay, but who brought the doggy?” Rizavi asks. “Shouldn’t we just use him to poof in and out of there?” 

“I’m sure Keith has a plan that involves Kosmo,” James answers and then kicks himself because now they know the  _ doggy’s _ name and they know he knows. More ammo to be used against him.

“ _ Awwwww _ , are you friends with the space-dog, James? Does he  _ like _ you?” 

Rizavi’s teasing makes his head spin but he stays quiet, not daring to take the bait. He’s actually surprised Kinkade hasn’t kicked in but he supposes he’s in for that later when they’re alone in their room. Kinkade is always a shit when they’re alone. 

“Are you Kosmo’s other daddy?” Veronica asks which makes James almost jump out of his skin. Of course, she’s listening in. 

“Shut up,” he snarls and banks to the right to follow Keith off to drop off their jets. Leif and Rizavi stay behind while Kinkade follows him off into the fog. 

The place is eerie and spooky and only growing spookier as they finally land next to the lions and join the paladins on foot. James glances around the forest and notices nothing but insanely tall pines and enough mist and fog to choke their vision. Even through their helmets and tech, the visibility is extremely low. Not to mention the drop in temperature. His suit was not very helpful in the Canadian cold. 

“Fuck,” James curses and goes to stand near Keith. “It’s fucking cold.”

“What made you think that? Hard nipples?” Keith responds which sends James into a tailspin. He hates Keith Kogane with all of his soul. 

“Alright, let’s get moving. We have no idea how big this compound is but I’m sending in drones to check it out to send us feedback.” Pidge is setting up tiny green robots, floating off into the fog which James isn’t sure will do any good if they can’t  _ see  _ the feed but he’s not a scientist. He’s just a pilot. 

Keith has everyone quickly falling into place and James follows hot on his heels, sniper in hand, ready to defend Keith and the others if need be. This isn’t a problem until Keith stops suddenly, causing James to run into him unexpectedly. 

“James–.” 

“Well, your brake lights were out,” James replies but Keith is focused elsewhere. 

“Sh.” Keith touches Kosmo’s back. “Stay here.” He disappears.

James frowns wary and on the lookout. The sound of shouts, metal clanging on metal, and Kosmo snarling draw James’ attention to the right but the fog is too thick to see. Worry strums through his heartstrings until Keith and Kosmo reappear no worse for wear. 

“What the hell Keith?” James demands. 

“Sentries, I heard them coming. This way is clear, follow me,” Keith replies sharply. 

Falling into line behind Keith is easy and the forest is deadly quiet. A breath before the storm. They make their way through the trees until the compound comes into view and they draw up short, out of sight, in the tree lining. 

“Okay team,” Keith says and turns to face everyone. “Hunk and Allura can start on the perimeters scouting. Lance and Kinkade, get to high ground to cover us.” 

“Sure thing,” Lance replies, already pulling Kinkade back into the fog.

“Pidge, are you ready?” Keith asks. 

Pidge pulls up the drone feed to check on their routes inside. “Looks like the route by the doors is clear which doesn’t make sense.” 

No, it doesn’t make sense. James frowns. “Smells like a trap.” 

Keith gives the feed a grim look and shakes his head. “We don’t have a choice.”

They all know something is wrong but James follows Keith and Pidge into the compound toward the main doors regardless. They can’t turn back now, not with the plan in motion, and lives’ at stake. Pidge starts to work on the lock pad when an alarm starts to sound off. 

“What the hell is that?!” James roars but the smaller buildings surrounding the large compound are quickly lighting up and doors are opening. His eyes go wide as he watches Galra foot soldiers and sentries rush out to surround them.

“Lance,” Keith says quietly. 

“I got your six,” comes Lance’s reply but even James know there are too many.

They’re sitting ducks and even with air support, they can’t just shoot blind without knowing where the prisoners are. Not when their families could be amongst them. They have no time to think before the Galra begin a quick onslaught. 

“Shiro,” Keith calls over the comms. “Need you down here.” 

James keeps his distance, taking out sentries and drones but the fight quickly turns into chaos. Smoke and fog make for poor visibility and he loses sight of Keith and Kosmo blinking throughout the battlefield. Shiro appears like a ghost, taking out three sentries from above when he lands. For a moment, James is lost in the synchronicity of Keith and Shiro fighting when they meet up. They fight back to back, mirroring each other’s movements and complementing each fighting style. 

Poetry in motion. 

He’s so lost in the beauty of them fighting, he misses the soldier coming u behind him. He sees Keith disappear and the sound of him reappearing makes James turn around in time to see the black bayard’s sword cleave through a Galra soldier. Blood splatters on James’ visor but he’s too stunned to wipe the blood away. 

“Watch your back,” Keith snarls as he yanks the sword free. “Can’t have you dying on me, Cadet.” 

James nods and feels a blush heat his cheeks. “Thank you.” 

Keith has no time to reply and quickly returns to the fray and Shiro’s side. James puts his back to the main building but the ground shaking makes him freeze. The main doors shudder as they slowly start to open and James’ eyes widen when a robot, almost as tall as the doorway, walks out holding a long spear. He raises his gun but one sweep of the robot’s spear sends him flying across the field. 

Air rushes out of his lungs and the impact of smacking into a concrete building hits like a freight train. His suit takes most of the impact but his neck rattles hard enough for him to see double and then nothing at all. 

 

* * *

  
  


“James, James– sweetheart, wake up.” 

The world is bright when he opens his eyes, wincing at the pain splitting his skull. His vision swims but he’s sure his mother was just smiling down at him. “Mom?” he asks slowly but then the world comes crashing back down and he realizes he is staring at Veronica. 

His mother isn’t here and he is not safe at home. 

“James, can you hear me? It’s Veronica–.” 

The world swims and goes dark again. 

 

* * *

  
  
  


The letter comes in a heavy black sealed envelope, the Garrison’s logo prominent and shiny on the front. James uses his dad’s letter opener to break the seal despite wanting to simply rip the envelope apart. The paper is heavy and thick. He hardly makes it through the first paragraph before running outside to where his parents sit in the backyard enjoying the summer weather. 

“Mom! Dad!” James bursts into their space, shoving the letter under their noses. “I did it! The Garrison accepted me!” 

His mother gasps while his father takes the letter to read. James can’t keep the smile from his face when his mom stands to wrap her arms around him in a tight hug. 

“I’m  _ so _ proud of you, sweetheart,” she praises. 

“I’ll be damned,” his dad says, earning a swat from his mom. 

“ _ Language _ , George.”

James faces his father, standing tall and proud, as his dad reaches to shake his hand. “I’ll do you proud, Sir,” James promises firmly.

His father smiles softly and pulls him into a hug. “You already have, son.” 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


Silence is one of the loudest sounds in the universe. 

The unending ringing opens his eyes and James tries to focus on his surroundings. The last thing he remembers is Veronica talking to him and they were in a fight. A  _ battle _ . He has no idea what happened afterward. 

“Don’t move too much,” comes a muffled voice and James slowly shifts his gaze to the right. 

He’s no longer on the battlefield and from the looks of it, he’s back at the Garrison in the medical ward. A doctor attends to his wounds but there is no pain. 

“What happened?” he asks while mentally counting limbs, fingers, and toes. 

“You had a severe concussion,” the doctor replies. “You’re very lucky to have survived.” 

“How long have I been out?”

‘A week.” 

_ A week _ . 

“Wh– What happened with the mission?!” 

He’s been out a week. Did anyone survive? The hostages? Shiro? Keith? His team? His parents? 

“Take a breath, Officer Griffin. You’re panicking.”

James is vaguely aware the heart monitor is becoming erratic but he’s so afraid of what had happened while he was out. “I want to speak with Captain Shirogane.”

“Captain Shirogane is a very busy man with refugees and reuniting families. It has been nothing but chaos for a week. He can’t be bothered to come to the medical ward to see one cadet.” 

A flash of frustration makes him clench his fist. “Please, I want to speak with Captain Shirogane or Officer  _ Kogane _ , one of them will suffice and I know one of them will come to see me.” 

The doctor sighs, finishes changing a dressing on James’ leg, and leaves. The silence after rings loudly again, leaving him frustrated as he tries to sit up more. The movement makes the room spin but once he’s upright, the feeling fades. Either Keith or Shiro will do and he’s not particular on who shows up to explain everything to him but part of him wants them both to walk through the door to make the doctor eat his words. 

James doesn’t have to wait long.

The door opens not long after he’s left alone and both Shiro  _ and _ Keith file in. Relief floods his entire body when he sees them both alive and well.

“You’re awake,” Shiro says with a warm smile and they both flank either side of his bed. Shiro’s right arm gently pets his hair back. “How are you feeling, James?” 

“Tired,” James sights out. “Tell me what happened.” 

Keith sits by his hip, his face a grim white mask. “We managed to take the robeast out,” he starts slowly. “And the Galra.” 

“But?” 

“We couldn’t save every civilian. We lost lives. Out of the thousand estimated to be there, we came home with 910,” Keith finishes coldly. 

James can see death in Keith’s face like a ghost living permanently in his soul. He reaches out to take Keith’s hand. “You tried.” 

“Yes,” Shiro agrees immediately. They both know how guilt weighs heavily on Keith’s soul. “The lives we lost will not be forgotten, Keith. We can’t always save everyone.”

“Did Rizavi and Leif find their families?” James asks hoping they were not in the 90 lost. 

“We’re slowly reuniting people,” Shiro says carefully. “Many of the refugees were ill or injured. So far, we haven’t had a chance to really dig around in families  _ but _ we did post-Rizavi’s and Leif’s photos in the wards.” 

James nods slowly. “My father used to work for the Garrison – Captain George Griffin…” He isn’t sure if Shiro would know him but Iverson would. 

“I will ask around,” Shiro promises.

“Thank you.” 

Shiro smiles. “We are both  _ so _ glad to know you’re okay James."

Keith takes his hand and James is glad they’re both here. Sometimes it’s easy to believe he’s not really Shiro’s or Keith’s, and he hangs in relationship purgatory. Shiro and Keith are rightfully close but James is not always sure where he fits in other than the bed. 

“When can I get out of here?” he asks. “I want to look for my parents–.” 

“Soon,” Shiro whispers. He leans forward to kiss James’ temple softly. “For now, focus on resting and healing.” 

Arguing sounds like a good plan in theory but James knows it’s a fight he’ll never win, so he just pouts instead. Well, until Keith kisses the pout away. A hot blush leaves his skin flushed while Keith kisses and nuzzles. 

He’s a complete sucker for snuggling.

“You both have to go, don’t you?” James asks when Keith pulls back, leaving his lips feeling raw and needy. 

“Unfortunately,” Keith says quietly. “I’m sorry.” 

Shiro kisses him softly in turn. “We will be here as often as we can be, and we’ll tell the MFE’s to come visit. You shouldn’t be here much longer.” 

James settles back onto the bed and abashedly allows Shiro to tuck him in before they both leave. 

The silence is crushing in their wake. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


James has seen the Garrison in photos and the outside compound as a child but his father had left the Garrison shortly before he started kindergarten. Seeing it in person is by far more impressive. The Garrison is in Griffin blood with his grandfather also had been a commanding officer in the Garrison ranks. 

His mother is helping him unpack in his new room – his roommate’s name is Ryan Kinkade – the strong, silent type he’s not sure how they’ll ever get along. 

“James, sweetie, I put your scrunchy bunchy by your pillow–.” 

“ _ Mom _ .” James feels his face heat up as he leaps to stuff the ratty blanket out of sight. The last thing he needs is Ryan finding out he still has and sleeps with his childhood blanket. 

“Oh, JimJams, it’s  _ just _ a blanket.” 

“ _ Mom _ !” James covers his face at the childhood nickname. Embarrassment is apparently his new home, just left of excitement and parked beside nervousness. 

“James William Griffin… Today is– is the last time I will see you for almost five months and–.” His mother pauses to regain composure. Guilt licks James’ heels.    
“Mom…” 

“Just let me call you JimJams one more time before you’re too old for it,” she says and dabs her eyes with a tissue. 

Seeing her sad makes homesickness set in early. “Mom, I love you.” 

“I love you  _ so _ much, James.” She cups his face in her hands, trailing her thumbs lightly across his cheekbones before pulling him into a hug. 

Soft curls bunch up in his face while the chemical floral scent of hairspray burns his nostrils. James returns the hug and for a home, he’s hardly left. “I’ll never be too old for you to call me JimJams. I love you, Mom.”

“I love you, too, JimJams.”

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


What he would give to hear his mother call him JimJames again. The hospital is boring but two days after waking, he’s finally released and rushing to find the prisoners. 

They’re being held in an empty hangar without any other system in place but there is a posting of names at the front for families to find one another. James’ eyes fly to the R’s first and his heart lifts when he sees Rizavi checked off. Leifsdottir also has a check. 

Once he knows his team has their families, James dares to look under G but Griffin isn’t listed. His heart sinks but he pushes the worry aside in favor of hope - their names aren’t there but they could still be alive. 

“James!” comes Rizavi’s excited voice. “You’re free!” 

He turns to face her and accepts a hug. “Yeah– so, you found your family?” 

“Yes! I was so relieved, James.  _ Thank _ you for giving me hope.” Rizavi smiles and he returns the gesture. 

“Of course. Leif found her family, too?”

Rizavi nods with enough enthusiasm to make  _ his _ neck hurt. “Yeah. Her dad and brother. They were both hurt but are doing a lot better now.” 

James smiles wide enough to engulf the sun. “I’m  _ really _ glad. For all of you.” 

“Hey, do you want to meet my mom?” 

_ Officer Griffin, please report to Captain Shirogane’s office. Officer Griffin to Captain Shirogane’s office _ . 

Rizavi rolls her eyes but smiles. “Another time.” 

“See you around.” James waves and heads off to Shiro’s office – either he has news or he wants privacy. James hopes for the latter but the hope dies when he sees Iverson there, too. 

“I can do it, Captain if–,” Iverson is saying when James walks in but cuts off when they make eye contact. 

“Sirs.” James salutes them both and they return the salute with one of their own. Shiro is as white as his hair and James can feel his stomach already knotting. 

“You should sit down, James,” Shiro says softly but James remains standing. 

“I’d rather stand, Sir,” he says firmly. If he’s standing, he can turn to flee faster than if he’s sitting. If he’s standing he can keep his legs upright but if he’s sitting and hears bad news like he thinks Shiro is about to give him, he may never be able to stand up again. 

Shiro takes a deep breath. “James, we’ve gone through every prisoner and we’ve collected all names and as much information as possible. Your parents were not amongst the prisoners.” 

James remains quiet because he has a feeling Shiro isn’t done. He has a feeling he may not be walking well soon. 

“We asked around and then I finally found someone who knew your parents’ names. They said they knew a George and Susan Griffin and they spoke of their son often.” Shiro pulls out a folded up piece of paper and holds it out. 

James accepts the paper slowly, unfolding each crease until he realizes it’s a photograph. The photo has his parents holding him as a child in front of their new house at the time. The house he grew up in before he went to the Garrison. The house he doubts is still standing. James stares at the photo so long, he almost misses Shiro’s next words. 

“I asked what happened to your family and why they were not amongst the prisoners. I feared they were of the 91 lives lost but we managed to collect the names of those we lost and they were not on that list either. I was told, a week prior to the rescue mission, your parents…” Shiro pauses and takes a breath. “Your parents were killed by the Galra along with a few hundred others.”

The words crash down around him while his castle crumbles beneath his feet but James does not allow himself to waver. He presses repeat on his thought processes and stays as steady as he can under the circumstances. His hands tighten into fists but he still refuses to sit down. 

“James,” Shiro starts but James cuts him off. 

“May I be excused, Sir?” he asks, his voice as taut as the tightwire he walks across. 

“James, please, let’s talk about this–.” 

“Do I have your permission to be excused, Sir?” he repeats, staring ahead into space. He lacks the ability or strength to look Shiro or Iverson in the eyes. 

Shiro sighs. “Yes.”

James turns and leaves the room without further hesitation. He walks quickly and firmly away from the office even though he has no idea where to go or what to do. He’s lost in a sea of uncertainty. He thinks about his teammates and how they all managed to find their families and a twinge of jealousy runs down his spine but he shoves the feeling aside. 

He has no right to feel jealous. 

They are lucky and he is thankful they have found their families. 

James walks until he finds himself staring at his jet. It sits undisturbed and James wonders who flew it home the day he couldn’t pilot himself. He shuts his eyes and tries not to focus on Shiro’s shattering news but his mind flitters back to hearing how they had only been dead for a week before the rescue. If they had simply gone a week sooner. If they had found out just a week earlier, his parents would still be alive. Just one week and he would have been able to hear his mother call him JimJams one more time. 

Now, he’ll never hear her say his nickname again or a whispered  _ I love you _ over a brief phone call. There would be no more Christmas get-togethers or birthday parties. No more letters from his mother encouraging him to do well in school and to make his father proud. No more care packages. No more hugs. No more kisses.

He’s alone. 

The weight of being left alone fills James to the core and he slowly sinks to his knees, pressing his forehead to the cold metal of the plane. His team has their families, Shiro and Keith have each other, and no one within the Garrison walls really needs him at all. The MFE’s easily could replace him – he’s not irreplaceable. Anyone can fly a plane, given the right amount of time to learn. Kinkade would make an excellent leader and Veronica could easily also take his place. 

He’s not needed. 

Not here. Not anywhere. 

Despite all of this, James shoves his urge to cry far down his throat and slowly stands up, straightening his spine, because he knows he has work to do. His team will need him to be strong and James refuses to bend to weakness. He has to do the Griffin name proud. James shoves his mourning aside in favor of slowly walking back toward where the prisoners are being reunited with their families. He finds the nearest CO and tells them he wants to report for duty and do anything he can to help. 

He’s quickly set to work and James is eager to throw himself into his job so he can forget all about the news Shiro just delivered. If he has no time to think about it, then it isn’t real. If he refuses to confront the pain, then it will go away.

Leaders must be strong for their team and James refuses to be a weak leader.

“Hey, James,” Veronica greets with a smile. “Want to help me bring more supplies.” 

James turns to her with a forced smile. “Yeah,” he says. “Let’s go.” 

Mourning and death tickle the back of his ear.

 

* * *

  
  
  


The MFE’s invited him to have dinner with them and their families but James isn’t sure he can go. He aches to be happy for them and he is, but a bitter chip also rests firmly on his shoulders. He debates on not going, telling them he’s ill, but what kind of leader hides from his team? 

James goes down to meet his team, all dressed down in their civvies, even though James still stands tal and stiff. The military has always been a part of him and relaxing is not in Griffin DNA. Seeing Kinkade smiling, however, with his parents while they talk excitedly to a tall blonde man (presumably Leif’s father), melts James’ heart into a puddle.

The bitter pill comes after when he remembers how he will never have a family meal again.

“James, you made it,” Rizavi says. “ _ Finally _ . Veronica’s on her way with her mom and dad. Come sit, we’re just chatting about how  _ awesome _ we are.” 

Part of him wants to remain standing because joining the group means talking and he’s not sure what to talk about. The rest of him knows his mother didn’t raise him to be impolite so James takes up residence on an adjacent chair so as not to impose

“Mom, Dad, this is James Griffin,” Rizavi smiles like she’s proud to introduce him which he doesn’t quite understand. 

He’s just a pilot. 

He’s not a paladin of Voltron fighting space monsters and he’s not on Atlas’ crew either saving the world. There’s nothing special about him, except his GPA and his ability to take orders. 

Mr. Rizavi offers his hand and James accepts the firm handshake. Much like his daughter, Mr. Rizavi wears glasses. His hair is a wild dark nest of curls and he looks as tired as James feels but he smiles when they meet. 

“It’s an honor to meet you, James,” Mr. Rizavi says and James has to refrain from asking why. “Nadia’s been saying you’re their leader?” 

“Arguably,” comes Veronica’s teasing. “But only in name.” 

They all turn to see Veronica walk in with her parents and Rizavi jumps up to greet her with a kiss which is new to James. His eyes widen but no one else is shocked so this clearly happened when he’d been comatose. 

“Mom, Dad, this is Veronica,” Rizavi says, hearts practically bleeding from her eyes. “My girlfriend.” 

James is quickly forgotten but he’s glad to have less of a spotlight. Veronica’s words, while in jest, sit with him long after the introductions end and they gather to eat. 

He is easily replaceable. 

He had had this thought before, directly after Shiro informed him of his parents’ deaths, but shoving himself into work helped. Two weeks later and the thoughts return full force. 

James stares at his meal and doesn’t eat.

“So, James, may I inquire about your family?” Mr. Rizavi asks. 

James hears the question but his mind is spiraling in a dark loop – Veronica could be the MFE’s leader, Shiro and Keith don’t need him, his parents died, and he has no other family. 

He is an orphan.

Suddenly, he knows how Keith must have felt his whole life.  _ This is karma _ , he thinks bitterly.  _ The universe finally giving you yours for being a shit person. Especially to Keith _ . 

“James?” Kinkade says softly and places his hand on James’ shoulder. 

He startles and sees them all looking at him in concern. He picks up a utensil to take a big bite and smile when he swallows. “It’s good.” 

“I… was asking about your family,” Mr. Rizavi repeats slowly, clearly unsure. 

“I haven’t found them yet,” James lies. “But I’m sure they’re out there somewhere.” 

He’s been saying his parents are out in the real world since the Galra attack five years ago and he knows he’s going to keep saying it. Maybe if he repeats the mantra, his parents will come back to him. Shiro could be wrong and he could not be an orphan. He has to believe because he’s the only hope they have left. 

“I hope you find them soon, son,” Mr. Rizavi whispers gently

Quiet settles on the table but luckily the others jump into new conversations, leaving James to his thoughts. His mind returns to a dark path and for the rest of dinner he makes polite conversation but he doesn’t feel invested. By meal’s end, he declines an offer to stay after for stories and games, claiming tiredness. Everyone seems to buy the excuse except for Kinkade but he’s too busy to dig deeper.

Ames wanders the halls mindlessly until he finds himself staring at his MFE fighter jet. He runs his fingers over the smooth metal and hears a siren's call.

Death and mourning come knocking.

He’s suiting up before he can think and putting in coordinates for the location of the rescue site. It’s late and will be dark by the time he arrives but James knows he has to do this. He has to see and make it real. 

_ Tomorrow, we could be stardust, JimJams _ , his father used to say.  _ So be safe but live loud _ . 

“I’m coming for you,” James whispers as the hangar doors open.

 

* * *

  
  


“You okay? Keith?” 

Keith snaps out of whatever trance he’d fallen into and focuses on Shiro sitting beside him in bed. “Sorry, Shiro.” 

Shiro cups the back of his head gently. “Talk to me.” 

“I’m worried about James. He’s been withdrawn for two weeks. He won’t come to bed with us at night. I don’t know what’s going on with him.”  Keith huffs and slouches on the bed, his arms folding across his chest. 

Immediately, Keith worries he’s successfully chased James off. He’s good at hurting people and pushing them away. What if James isn’t interested in them anymore and hasn’t had the guts to just break it off. Maybe he wants Keith and Shiro to do it for him? 

Shiro sighs. “He hasn’t told you?” 

“Told me what?”

Shiro sets his book aside and his face saddens like a shadow passing over his features. “After James was released from the medical ward, I–… I had to tell him his parents were killed a week prior to the rescue mission.” 

The sentence registers in Keith’s mind but the words take a moment to fully settle. When they do, everything clicks into place and a heap of sadness weighs on his mind. 

“A  _ week _ ?” 

Shiro nods. 

“How can you know? Are– are you  _ sure _ ?” Keith doesn’t want it to be true but from the look of pain on Shiro’s face he knows it is. 

“I met a couple who knew Commander Griffin and Mrs. Griffin. They said they talked about their pilot son often… They told me, a week prior to the rescue, the Galra were…  _ culling _ people due to resources being low. They say the choosing was random but they told me Commander Griffin was not compliant and I’m sure they were not so randomly chosen.”

Shiro clenches his hands into fists and Keith understands his rage. One week late. Seven days. 168 hours. 10,080 minutes. 604,800 seconds. Frustration fills his lungs until he chokes out a scream, muffling the sound with a pillow. Tears burn the corners of his eyes. 

“That’s not fair,” Keith whispers brokenly. 

“I know,” Shiro replies just as quiet and sad. 

“I have to find him. He shouldn't be alone–.” 

“Keith, I think he wants his space–.” 

Keith shakes his head and climbs out of bed to dress. “I won’t leave him to be alone, Shiro. He wouldn’t do that to us.” 

Shiro nods in understanding. “I’ll… stay here in case he shows up.” 

Keith leans down to kiss Shiro’s temple. “You were just the messenger, not the executioner.” 

He knows Shiro’s insecurities well but he has no time to address them. Shiro gives a grim nod and Keith flies from the room down to James’ to knock but no one answers. The underside of the door is dark and he remembers James mentioning dinner with the MFE’s. The hallway seems long as he walks with a purpose, his mind miles away in a fog coated forest. If they had had the intel one week prior, then James would have his family. If he had been a better leader instead of being wrapped up in his personal life.

“Keith.” 

Keith freezes and turns to see Kinkade approaching from an adjacent hallway. “Kinkade.”

“James is gone,” Kinkade says in his rumbling baritone. 

“Gone?” 

“He left dinner and… I was worried about him. I went to check the hangar but his jet is gone.” Kinkade hands over a worn photograph of James and his parents. “He dropped this.” 

“Oh, James” he whispers sadly. 

“It’s his parents, isn’t it?” Kinkade asks. Keith can see tears in his golden eyes and the look of pain and agony on his face speaks volumes. 

Kinkade has feelings for James. 

He knows the look because it’s the same one he used to give Shiro. 

“You really love him, don’t you?” Keith asks. “I mean, you really care for him.”

Kinkade looks abashed and rubs the back of his neck. “Am I so obvious?” 

“No… I just know the look when you say his name. Same look I give Shiro… I’m sorry, Kinkade. I’m sure it’s hard to see him with me.” 

“No.” Kinkade shakes his head. “Seeing him happy is easy but seeing him mourn alone – that’s difficult. He and I were never meant to be… It was always you.”

Keith nods in understanding because he knows James has carried a torch for him for years. “You’re a good guy, Kinkade.” 

“Go take care of him.  _ Help _ him… Please.” The please is so small and desperate, Keith feels his soul die. 

“I will.” Keith pockets the photo and turns to run and change into his paladin armor, Kosmo at his side. “Take me to James, buddy.” 

Kosmo presses up to him and they blink. 

 

* * *

  
  


The compound is quieter than any graveyard and the remnants of the buildings remind James of old ghosts. The concrete scarred from a battle and the ground scorched by weaponry. James feels no life here as he haunts the area but he still holds onto a small bit of hope. He walks quietly behind the buildings and into the trees, holding his rifle warily, just in case any stray Galra remains but the only sounds are his footsteps and breathing. Both, too loud. 

He follows a worn path back through the trees until his eyes fall on two branches assembled into a cross. Behind the cross, James can see the upturned earth and he knows. 

His gun slips through his fingers and his knees give out. The mass grave contains his parents' bodies – he knows it now. Mourning and death grasp onto his throat and squeeze but no tears come. He stares blankly at the cross and doesn’t move only listening to the brag of his heart. 

_ Kill yourself.  _ __  
_ Kill yourself.  _ _  
_ __ Kill yourself.

James feels tears well in his eyes as the urge to die grips hard enough to make him dizzy. Keith doesn’t need him. Shiro doesn’t need him. The MFE’s could be stronger without him. His parents are dead and he will never hear his mother call him JimJams again. 

_ Tomorrow, we could be stardust _ . 

James shuts his eyes and considers using his weapon when the sound of Keith and Kosmo appearing makes him jump. Keith approaches slowly and sits beside him but says nothing. They sit in silence with James’ walls slowly crumbling and cracking. 

The final blow comes when Kosmo crawls forward and places his head in James’ lap. The tears finally come then and he has to pull his helmet off to breathe fresh air. Keith continues the silence but James flops into his side and Keith turns to wrap his arms around him protectively. 

Sobs wrack James’ entire body and make him shake. Keith kisses the top of his head but the pain rages on. All he feels is pain. There’s is nothing but pain and hurting and the flood is drowning his every synapse and nerve. James grips Keith’s body as hard as his arms will allow but he can only cry.

“Kill me,” he begs in a broken sob. “Kill me. End me.” 

“No,” Keith snarls fiercely. “Your parents would want you to live.” 

“Why? Why should I live when I  _ failed _ them?” 

“Because,” Keith grabs his shoulders and looks him directly in the eye. “Because they love you and they would want you to keep going, James Griffin. And because I care about you and I want you to live, too.” 

“How can you care about me? You have Shiro and– and your friends– and– and your–… your  _ mom _ ,” James gasps the last part out as his voice breaks and he’s back to crying again. “I’m sorry, I know what it feels like now. This is what I deserve.” 

“What?” Keith frowns and tilts his face up so they can look eye to eye. “What are you talking about?” 

“I know what it’s like now being an orphan,” he says slowly, his voice suddenly monotone as his mood quickly crashes. Emotional whiplash leaves him exhausted. “I never should have mocked you back when we were children.” 

“You didn’t  _ know _ I didn’t have a family” Keith points out. “You were a kid.”

“I need you to forgive me.” 

“There’s nothing to forgive.” Keith cups his face and kisses his forehead. “I know you’re in pain right now and you have a right to be… You lost your family and that… that is a horrible thing but I’m here for you. I know what it’s like to lose family. Shiro does, too. We are both here for you.” 

“I don’t even know what I  _ need _ ,” James whispers, afraid of the admission. A giant ocean of uncertainty washes and drowns him until he’s left gasping for air. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Mourn,” Keith replies quietly. “You have to mourn, let yourself be angry and sad and hurt and every emotion you feel.” 

He dares to sit up and give Keith his space back but his hands go to Kosmo to pet while the wolf comforts him. The warm fur is thick and lush in his fingers, grounding him in the space, and the now. “I’m jealous,” he says flatly. “Jealous of my team for having their families back while I… I will never see mine again. My mom won’t ever call me JimJams or make me care packages or… my dad won’t ever tell me he’s proud ever again.”

Keith reaches to place his hand on James’ arm softly. “I bet he is proud. Wherever he is now, I know he’s proud of you. You’re so strong, James. Supporting your team when you’ve had to deal with this alone… which you  _ don’t _ have to do. Please, please know you are not alone in this. And I don’t just mean myself and Shiro, your team would be there for you, too. I know it’s hard to accept help… believe me, I know, but sometimes leaders need help, too.” 

“Even you?” James asks quietly. 

“Yeah, even me.”

He nods and grips Kosmo’s fur tightly in his hands, his eyes falling back on the grave marker. “I’m sorry,” he whispers to no one in particular – to his parents, Keith, Shiro, Kosmo. He’s not sure. 

“We’ll go when you’re ready, not before,” Keith assures him. 

The cross looks ugly to him now - as a slash in the landscaping. He turns his eyes from the marker and finally starts to stand with Keith’s help. They’re both upright on their feet and Kosmo gently leans into James’ hip. The walk back to the plane is quiet with the weight of everything resting between them but James can feel Keith’s support in full force. 

“Can you fly?” Keith asks and, for once, James knows he’s not trying to be offensive. He’s legitimately concerned. 

“I’m not sure,” James admits. “You think you can take a crash course?”

Keith chuckles. “I can figure it out.”

James knows Keith can figure out the MFE plane without a hitch – Keith could figure out anything without a hitch. They all climb on board and James looks down at the ground as it slowly disappears. Kosmo blinks from the plane and James is sure he will be waiting for them at the Garrison. 

The forest dissipates behind them and with it goes a large part of James’ heart. 

 

* * *

  
  
  


He can’t bring himself to tell anyone for another week. 

He keeps the news to himself with only Shiro and Keith knowing and spends a week in mourning, lying in bed, and hardly speaking with anyone. Keith and Shiro are kind enough to let him stay in their shared room, either sleeping or staring into space. So many emotions wash over him during the week’s mourning period, he’s not sure where one emotion begins and another ends. 

It’s not until Shiro sits down with him and they talk for several hours he starts to feel even remotely better. They talk about Shiro’s family – or lack thereof, and they talk about  _ his _ family, too, and what he’s going to miss most. They talk about his childhood nickname and Shiro jokingly offers to call him JimJams if he wants. 

James finds himself laughing for the first time in weeks but he declines the offer. 

After their talk, James feels good enough to take a shower, change his clothes, and go find Keith one more time to apologize again for being so awful as a child. He’s ready to round a corner when he almost walks right into Krolia, Keith’s terrifying purple cat, alien mother. 

“Excuse me,” he says and tries to fall out of her way. 

“James.” Krolia takes his shoulders in her hands to steady him so neither of them falls. Her face softens from the hardened mask she wears at all times and she smiles at him in a way he’s never seen before. “Keith told me about your family. I’m very sorry.” 

He nods a little. “Thank you.” 

“Keith is with the other paladins in the kitchen at the moment, if you are searching for him.” 

“Thank you,” he repeats, ready to flee the premises. No matter how many soft smiles she offers, he still feels as if she’d readily kill him at any given moment. 

“James,” she calls as he goes to walk away. “I know… we do not know each other very well but if you ever feel as if you need a mother to speak to…” She lets the sentence trail off but James hears the implications. 

Tears fill his eyes and he looks back at her and lets a small smile tug his lips. “I’ll definitely know where to go,” he says with a small nod. He appreciates her gesture more than she can ever know. 

“You are a strong, young man, and your parents would be proud of you.” 

“Thank you.” He’s not sure what else to say but she lets him go and he walks down to the kitchen to find Keith. One more apology and maybe he can finally start letting go. 

Keith is sitting with Lance while Hunk is offering them food neither of them wants from the way they’ve turned their noses up. Keith looks good in ripped jeans and a pullover jacket. Too good. Distractingly good. 

“Keith,” James says, clearing his throat and drawing everyone’s attention to him. He wonders if Keith told all of the paladins about his family or just his mother. 

“And on that note,” Keith says and slides out of Hunk’s way to leave Lance alone to be tortured. He closes the gap between them and cautiously puts his hands on James’ hips. “Hi.” 

“Sorry to interrupt,” James mutters but Keith kisses him softly. 

“You saved me, actually. Are you alright? You’re up, so that’s good.” Keith pets his hair and James is surprised he’s being so affectionate in a public space. 

“I just wanted to apologize again for… for treating you badly when we–.” 

“Don’t finish that sentence.” Keith puts a finger to his lips to silence him. “We were kids, we were both awful. I forgive you. Now, what can I do to help you?”

“Nothing… I ran into your mom…” James blushes as he remembers her kindness. Krolia could never replace his mother but her offer still left a warm spot in his chest. 

“I told her about your parents, I just… I just wanted her to know in case… she gave you a hard time or something. I know how she is,” Keith says quickly. “I’m sorry I didn’t wait for you to tell her.” 

“It’s okay.” James leans into Keith then, since he’s seemingly fine with this public display. “Thank you. For telling her. Thank you for everything.” 

“Are you ready to tell your team?” 

James takes a deep breath and nods. “Yes,” he says. 

“Rizavi was going to the hangars with Kinkade if you want to start there. I think they were about to run drills.” 

“Thank you.” James kisses him one more time and slowly untangles their limbs so he can walk down to find his team. Each step gives him more confidence and he’s certain he can feel his mother and father walk alongside him. He finds the entire team down in the hangar and they all turn to smile at him. 

“Hey, James,” Rizavi says. “Want to join us for drills?” 

James nods a bit. “I want to tell you guys something first.” 

“Sure,” Veronica says. “What’s up?”

James takes a deep breath and feels his parents squeeze his hands. “It’s about my parents.” 

_ Tomorrow, we could be stardust, James, so live loudly.  _

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Come yell at me on [tumblr](http://pining-sheith.tumblr.com/)


End file.
